How to Set Boundaries During the Holidays Without Guilt
Why Holiday Boundaries Feel So Hard
I think we can all agree that the holidays carry a lot. There are parties, routines, decorating, time off, to-dos, and, on top of that, an emotional landscape your nervous system remembers long before your mind does. Even if you’re doing meaningful inner work and feel more grounded in your day-to-day life, something about being around family, the expectations the holidays bring, and old dynamics can swoop you right into the patterns you thought you’d outgrown.
And let me be the first to say, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong or have missed a step. Boundaries around the holidays are the most challenging because they touch the deepest layers of ourselves: attachment, belonging, emotional safety, and childhood conditioning.
So, if you’re feeling guilty, anxious, or even heaviness when you think about saying no over the coming weeks of the holiday season, know there are some big reasons why. The main problem is you’re bumping up against some very old survival lessons you learned long before you had the capacity to choose differently.
This blog will help you understand those reactions with compassion and hopefully support you in honoring your nervous system and relationships.
Why You Struggle to Set Boundaries
Before we get into how to actually set boundaries this holiday season, let’s first talk about why setting boundaries causes your body to react negatively. Sure, sometimes we struggle with communicating them, but more so, it’s your nervous system.
Your brain is wired for belonging, not boundaries. On a biological level, connection is imperative to your well-being. Therefore, when you imagine disappointing someone, your brain interprets that as a potential disconnection and danger. So, even if you intellectually know you have the right to set a limit, your body may likely still respond with fear or guilt because it learned early on that connection equals safety.
Old conditioning resurfaces around family. Your nervous system adapted to your home environment as a child in very specific ways. You might have learned to stay small, avoid conflict, and keep everyone happy. When you return home for the holidays, those adaptations get activated automatically because your body recognizes the environment and subconsciously switches on those survival strategies.
Your attachment patterns shape how boundaries feel in your body. Each attachment style has its own felt experience of connection, closeness, and separation, which is why different people react differently to the same boundary. If you have more anxious patterns, you likely fear you will lose the person if you set a boundary. If you’re more avoidant, you likely fear creating conflict and high emotions when setting boundaries. And if you’re more disorganized, you likely carry both, where connection and separation both feel dangerous. Remember, your brain isn’t reacting to the present moment, but through the lens of every attachment pattern that came before.
Your body remembers the unspoken rules from childhood. Our implicit memories, the ones before we have the words to make memories into stories, hold a lot of subconscious information. During the holidays, your body remembers all of the unspoken rules, even if your mind doesn’t. Some of these rules might be not to upset your mom, be agreeable, and just keep the peace, no matter what. Those rules are naturally going to conflict with the boundaries you’re seeking to create.
Your body doesn’t always like the feeling of doing something new. Your nervous system thrives on familiarity. It likes to pick up patterns and be able to properly set your body up for success. That’s why it’s called a comfort zone. So, when you set a boundary and feel guilty, it’s a sign you’re doing something new, not something wrong. Your nervous system is interpreting this new boundary as a risk that’s unfamiliar.
How to Tell If You Need to Set a Boundary
Here’s the thing: if you were never taught how to set boundaries or boundaries weren’t mirrored to you, you might struggle even knowing when you need to set a boundary until it’s too late. Your mind is likely going to second-guess itself, but your body will cue you. And, if you’re not in touch with your body, knowing these signs is a good way to interpret your body’s sensations.
Here are the clearest signs your nervous system is signaling that a boundary is needed:
You feel a sense of dread, even if it’s subtle. There’s a heaviness in your chest, anxiety in your stomach, or even a tightening before an event or interaction.
You start rehearsing conversations in your head. If you’re mentally preparing, defending, or justifying, your nervous system is likely already activated.
You feel responsible for managing everyone else’s emotions. This is a cue that you’re slipping into old overfunctioning roles.
You feel resentment building. Resentment is usually your nervous system saying, “I’m doing more than I have the capacity to do.”
You disconnect from yourself to stay connected to others. This can look like masking, shutting down your needs, or performing politeness.
You say “yes” when you feel your body wants to say “no.” You feel your shoulders tense, your breath shortens, and your stomach drops when you say yes.
You feel exhausted before the interaction even happens. Anticipatory fatigue is a primary cue that your nervous system is bracing.
A simple rule is that if being around someone consistently pulls you away from yourself, a boundary is needed to protect your connection with yourself.
How to Set Compassionate, Secure Boundaries During the Holidays
Say this with me, “Boundaries are information, not negotiations.” You don’t need to explain, justify, or give a reason for your limits. I know, though, that when you feel guilty or fear upsetting someone, a simple sentence might not feel like enough.
Here are some gentle scripts you can use that honor your nervous system without triggering unnecessary conflict:
“I wish I had the capacity for that, but I don’t right now.”
“That doesn’t work for me, but thank you for thinking of me.”
“I care about this conversation, but I need some space before continuing.”
“I need a moment to reset, and I’ll circle back later.”
“I can do this, but I can’t do that.”
“I don’t have the energy for a big gathering, but I’d love a quiet moment together.”
“I know I’ve done that in the past, but I don’t have the capacity to now.”
“I don’t feel comfortable talking about that right now.”
Please remember that a boundary isn’t a wall. It’s a way you protect yourself.
How to Cope With Boundary Guilt
You knew your body needed the boundary, and you set it with clarity and kindness, but you still feel the guilt rushing in… what do you do? First, I want you to remember that guilt is not a sign that you did something wrong, but it’s more of a sign that you did something new. Your nervous system hasn’t yet learned how to feel safe setting boundaries.
So, the first thing you’re going to do is remind yourself that feeling guilt is a biological protective response. Your brain is trying to say, “Please don’t do the thing that might cost us connection.” When you can keep this in mind, you can soften the feelings and name what’s happening within you.
Next, you’re going to offer the guilty part of you some reassurance, like “It’s safe to take care of myself.” Or even something like, “I’m allowed to choose myself.” When you punish yourself for feeling guilt, you strengthen your old patterns. However, by meeting yourself with compassion, you’re rewriting the pathways.
Guilt is a physiological state and an emotion, so the next thing you will want to do is let your body discharge the activation by walking, shaking out your hands, placing a hand on your heart, taking deep breaths with long exhales, or co-regulating with a safe person. In this moment, you’re offering your body support.
Move forward trusting that you made the right choice and you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re just doing things differently now, and that’s a good thing. Your nervous system will learn, over time, that boundaries are supportive and good.
A Gentle Reminder as You Navigate This Season
I know how hard this season is, and I wish I could walk you by the hand through all of the hard moments. What I want you to hold on to during these challenging moments is:
Your worth isn’t determined or defined by how much you tolerate.
You don’t need to abandon yourself to keep the peace.
Boundaries are acts of self-support.
You’re allowed to take up space, even during the holidays.
If you’re looking for more support in setting boundaries in your everyday life, I have two powerful resources: My Words to Say Guide and the Boundaries From Within Course. Both resources will support you by helping you understand why boundaries are challenging for you and by giving you tools to start setting them in your own life.
