Why You Can’t “Just Calm Down” - The Neuroscience of Dysregulation
Have you ever been told to “just calm down” and felt your heart rate spike even higher?
Yeah, you’re not alone. Whether it’s during an argument, in a moment of overwhelm, or when anxiety hijacks your body, those three words can feel invalidating, frustrating, and honestly, just impossible to act on.
But there’s a scientific reason why “calming down” isn’t always a choice. There is something else going on in your body when you’re dysregulated, and it helps explain why compassion, not pressure, is the key to regulating your nervous system.
And I feel like it’s important to add here that while many people online talk about a “perfectly regulated nervous system” as if being calm all of the time is the true marker for healing. However, that kind of messaging actually creates more shame. Our nervous systems aren’t meant to stay perfectly regulated. They’re meant to respond to stress (become dysregulated) and then return to balance.
What is Dysregulation?
Dysregulation happens when your nervous system is overwhelmed and loses its sense of safety. This can show up as:
Racing thoughts
Shallow or rapid breathing
Muscle tension
Emotional outbursts
Feeling frozen, numb, or checked out
A sense of panic, dread, or irritability
These are all signals from your autonomic nervous system, the part of your brain and body that operates below conscious awareness and control, to protect you from potential danger.
The Polyvagal Theory Explained
The Polyvagal Theory was developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, and it gives us a helpful roadmap to understanding what’s happening during these moments of dysregulation. According to the Polyvagal Theory, your nervous system has three main states:
Ventral Vagal State (Safe and Social)
This is your regulated state, where you feel connected, calm, and able to engage with others. Your heart rate is steady, your breath is deep, and you can access your full range of emotions and thinking skills.Sympathetic State (Mobilized and Hyperaroused)
This is your fight-or-flight state, where your body gets flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. Your heart races and muscles tighten, and you might feel anxious, panicked, or angry. It’s your system preparing you to escape or confront danger.Dorsal Vagal State (Shutdown and Collapse)
This is your freeze response. If the danger is inescapable, your nervous system may shut down to protect you. You might feel disconnected, tired, numb, or hopeless. It’s a state of conservation and withdrawal.
It’s important to note here that these states aren’t something you “think” your way into. These are physiological reactions that are rooted in the oldest parts of your brain, designed to keep you safe.
So, Why Can’t You “Just Calm Down?”
When someone is in fight, flight, or freeze (Sympathetic or Dorsal Vagal States), asking them to “calm down” is like asking a person with a broken leg to get up and run. It bypasses the very real state their nervous system is in.
In fact, pressuring someone to calm down can deepen their dysregulation by triggering a sense of shame or fear of disconnection, because:
When you’re in sympathetic activation, your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for rational thinking, goes offline.
Your body is acting on survival instincts, not logic.
The vagus nerve, your body’s superhighway for safety signals, needs co-regulation (like tone of voice, body language, or safe connection) to shift back into a calm state.
This is why we need connection, not correction. Safety isn’t logical. Safety comes from being met with understanding.
Why ‘Perfect Regulation’ Isn’t the Goal
If you’re a frequent scroller in the wellness space, you might have caught onto this idea that we should have “perfectly regulated nervous systems.” There is this idea that being calm all of the time is a marker of true healing. But that’s not how the nervous system works.
A healthy nervous system is one that can move through dysregulation and return to balance more easily over time. It’s still going to get activated and dysregulated, because your reactions make sense in the context of what you’ve lived through. Healing helps you expand your window of tolerance.
So, each time you safely move through a stress cycle and back into regulation, especially through supportive connection, your window widens a little more.
Regulation Starts in the Body
The most effective way to shift out of dysregulation isn’t through willpower, but through nervous system cues of safety. These may include:
Deep, rhythmic breathing
Gentle movement (walking, stretching, rocking)
Eye contact with a safe person
Soothing sounds or touch
A compassionate, calm tone from someone else
Naming what you’re feeling without judgment
This is called co-regulation, when your nervous system receives calming signals from another regulated person. Over time, with enough safety, you develop self-regulation as well.
When You Didn’t Get Enough Co-Regulation Growing Up
If you grew up with caregivers who were anxious, avoidant, or emotionally unavailable, you may not have received enough co-regulation. Co-regulation, again, is the emotionally attuned, calming presence that helps a child’s nervous system learn what safety feels like. Without that consistent holding, your nervous system never fully learned how to internalize safety.
So, now as an adult, you might need more opportunity for co-regulation through therapy, safe friendships, or secure relationships before self-regulation can become second nature. This is a process of repair.
When You Learned Only to Self-Regulate
For many people with more avoidant attachment patterns, co-regulation was never modeled, so their nervous system only learned how to self-regulate out of necessity. As children, they may have experienced caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or dismissive of their needs, especially their emotional needs. The safest option was to withdraw and manage their feelings alone.
Over time, the body learned that closeness feels more like danger and independence feels more like control. So, as adults, avoidantly attached individuals often shut down or pull away when they’re feeling dysregulated. While it could seem like they don’t care, it’s actually their nervous system not feeling safe to be connected while dysregulated.
For them, slowly learning what co-regulation feels like and discovering through safe experiences that safety can exist in connection, too, not just solitude.
You’re Wired for Protection
Dysregulation isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you. It’s actually a sign that your body is trying to protect you in the only way it knows how. If you struggle to regulate your nervous system, it’s not your fault. It’s more likely that you didn’t have enough safe holding early on, like mentioned previously, to learn what regulation feels like. The good news is that repair is always possible. Your nervous system can grow through connection, compassion, and new experiences of safety. With the help of others who can co-regulate with you, you can learn what calm feels like and, over time, carry that safety within yourself.
When we understand the science behind these patterns, we can replace shame with curiosity and judgment with gentleness. You don’t have to force yourself to calm down (you can’t, really). Instead, learn to listen to your body, move through the state you’re in, and find your way back to safety, again and again.
Want more?
If this resonates with you, my new book, SAFE, dives deeper into the felt experience of attachment, regulation, and healing. You’ll explore how your body holds the past, why these patterns form, and how to rewire your nervous system through compassion and connection.
You can click here to pre-order your copy of SAFE and receive bonus resources to support your healing journey today.
